You Never Know...

We've had a horrendous thing happen here in our town of Loveland. Marital dispute, separation, filed divorce and restraining order papers led to the father being served at their home. Before it was over, the father had killed the process server, hurt his wife who managed to run for help, and tried to kill his two children before the police stopped him. And he told his children as he choked them that he loved them so much he'd do anything to protect them. It's horrifying.

On the nightly news, neighbors said the same things, "We never would've thought it." "They were such a good family." "They put up a cross at Christmas."

Something else that shocks? This was a family that was active in church. And the process server was a member of the same church they went to. My church.

It is doubly grievous to think about why the gospel of peace wasn't more pervasive in this family's life--especially if they were exposed to it regularly. What do we need to do more effectively? I'm not saying it's our church's fault; in fact, our pastor is very good at reminding us that none of us is perfect in our church. But it just makes me wonder.

It also troubles me to think of children in families in our churches who are exposed to violence and are abused--and we don't have a clue.

I've been reading a lot of memoirs lately, and one I just read "Driving With Dead People" chronicled the aftermath of abuse that the children experienced from the hands of their church-going father and mother. The abuse happened years ago but it makes me wonder if our church culture has changed enough that families would feel safe enough to tell someone about the reality behind closed doors--before tragedy strikes. What would it look like if we could talk to children openly about being a safe place for them to come if they need to be rescued? For children who go home to living hells, it just makes me wonder if it's enough to tell nice stories and have great lessons. 

Comments

[Courtney Walsh]

Chris -

How terrible. What a sad thing to have to go through. I'm so sorry! :( I have recently been wondering about how the outward appearance we see at church can be so different when the light is finally shed on the dark places. It's sad to think anyone is hurting (especially a child) like this, but unable to talk about it.

I also wonder, as children's ministers, when do you get involved? As soon as a child mentions "My daddy hits me"? Is it 'hitting' or 'spanking'? Is it done in anger or love? How do you ever know? It's something we've struggled with in our own ministry, and like this - knowing that you really just never know what's going on behind closed doors makes me wonder even more.

I'm so sad about that.

I hope God sends you comfort.

[Lisa Burney]

In the adjacent county, a Christian women is on trial for killing her 4 year old adopted son. She wrapped him tightly in blankets to prevent him from walking around the house during the night. Her 5 other adopted children kept silent for months but are now coming forward to tell of horrific abuse disguised as discipline. The husband stood by and helped deceive the social workers, adoption agency and the community. Court testimony indicates that they were using discipline techniques prescribed by a Tennessee preacher. They were members of a local church and the children have mentioned church members in their testimony, but the chilling part is that those church members have been absent during this very public trial. I understand this church supports "spare the rod and spoil the child" disciple. Could it be because they feel guilty or partially responsible for this child's death? I do not know.
Your post is very timely to me. Your post and this trial has me realizing the power of isolation, deception, and threats of future abuse used by parents to silence hurting children. I've been asking myself how can we as a church work against the power of the family to mask and hide abuse, alcoholism, mental illness and neglect. Providing an open accepting sanctuary is not going to be enough in these dire situations. I understand that children living with abuse, alcoholism, mental illness and neglect lie and deceive outsiders as a means of survival. These children live life in fear. Opening up and telling the truth to outsiders only brings more pain, and more isolation. How do we combat that kind of total control and power? And if a child DOES open up to us, are we prepared to protect them?

[Chris Yount Jones]

How tragic, Lisa. I'm sure we all have horror stories nearby that we could share. Stories that break our hearts! I'm not sure what the solution is. Can you imagine doing a series of lessons, though, on what a healthy family looks like and what to do if you're not in that kind of family. Are we afraid of alienating the very families we'd be trying to reach as the light would be too bright? I think also we're afraid of exposing children to things they're not aware of--abuse in particular--so we keep things sanitized (and not that this is a bad reason...kids learn way too much too soon about the darkness). Makes me think that perhaps it's not a programming solution but a relational one. There's no substitute for church folks really knowing children and committing to be there for them. So sad that the church you mentioned doesn't fully understand that right now. God help us all.

[Chris Yount Jones]

Courtney,
Thank you so much for your prayers and thoughts!
Chris

[Confidential]

I took my children and left and abusive situation to myself and the children. Unfortunately, I stayed to long for my sake and the childrens because I didn't want to be divorced and my beliefs. A large church has ostrasized me from leadership which has taken me away from many networks of friends which was what my husband did as well. He lies to the church and they believe him. My children have no respect for many of the pastors now. I know there are many other women in this particular church that are also being abused, but have to stay with the abuser for a particular reason. The church has no understanding that there are problems that stem out of growing up in an abusive home that are worse than living with a single mom. The children don't want him back in the home. Fortunately, there is a ministry called FOCUS that is dedicated to helping women that are abused, divorced, prevent teens from getting into these situations, etc. They will help equip churches, train, and help set up programs.

[Chris Yount Jones]

Dear Confidential:
I applaud your strength to stand up in an unhealthy situation--at home and at church. And, your kids will be so much healthier for it! Perhaps now that you've left an abusive husband, you will see the way to leave your abusive church, too. I hope so. There are so many other churches that would extend grace and healing to you and your children--and call you into leadership as someone who can truly minister to hurting children and families. I pray that for you.

I will tell you this with having lost a husband to death and having certain people say things that are hurtful in regards to that...I'm completely honest with my kids when something said is wrong and name it as "not from God." But then I also try to help them see that none of us is perfect and all of us are broken. So we need to extend grace--even to those people who are judgmental and narrow. Otherwise, we become just like them. That seems to help my kids live in even a broken church world where people mess up at times.

I'm so proud of you for doing the right thing and going against the established norm in your church culture. You've done the absolute right thing. God bless you!