What We Could Learn From One Another

For the last 17 years, we've surveyed children's ministers to find out what they do with kids during "big church." Without fail, it seems that it's a 50/50 split. Half the churches create a separate "children's church" environment and half keep kids in with their parents.

So, now the half that's been splitting kids and families is starting to ask why. In terms of "reaping what we've sown," these churches recognize that not only is faith segregated at church by age, but it's segregated from the home. These churches desire to get families talking about faith at home (great goal!) The only problem is that they're not creating a common experience for families to talk about.

So, the entry of the "shared family experience"--where families worship together in a kid-friendly environment. It's very cool and very volunteer-intensive. For churches who can't pull it off, would it be enough to keep families together in big church? Could one side of the church learn from another side of the church?

Check out Mary Rose's May 4 post at http://catholicprodigaldaughter.blogspot.com/2008/05/kids-at-mass.html to see what we can learn. Is the answer standing right before us--and we're missing it?

Comments

[Larry Shallenberger]

Since one size never really fit all -- sure this could be the answer for some congregations.

However, these approach, if to work well, would require some congregations to make shifts in educational philosophy.

[Christine Yount Jones]

For example, making the service family-friendly! Using examples in the sermon that people of all ages can relate to. And more!

Check out this great article from Ben Freudenberg...published in 1997 (evidence that there's nothing new under the sun...we've been grappling with family ministry for years).
http://www.childrensministry.com/backissues/detail.asp?ID=406

[Lisa Burney]

As long as we encourage parents to prepare, guide and train their children for worship and encourage the congregation to extend grace to little ones when they occasionally fidget or cry, children can become welcome worshippers in Big Church.

I appreciated Mary Rose's comments on how children learn from watching others in worship. How often we look for lesson plans to instruct children in worship arts when what children really need is to learn by doing, watching others worship.

[Courtney Walsh]

Christine - I was going to say the same thing - it would require a real shift on the 'big church' crowd in order to pull it off. Truly, I wonder what those empty nesters would think of Little Timmy in the front row bouncing off the walls.

How do you handle it when the parents truly aren't keeping control of the kids in the 'big' service? This has always been our problem, though our evening services do have families worshipping together just through praise and worship - then we split.

I love the more family-centric idea because it just creates such a stronger bond - and really, how many people are TRULY making God a center of their conversations and family life (instead of soccer games, t-ball and dance?) It's a HUGE struggle.

Maybe a family worship service would help in this area? Definitely something to think about!

Off to read your link now!

[Chris Yount Jones]

Lisa,
Just think of the great parent training you've just described! They'd learn about guiding their children in the church service, but the transfer would be to all of life and faith!

[Chris Yount Jones]

You're right, Courtney. It would take a re-orientation from the leadership down--a change in values that it's important for the community of faith to embrace people of all ages. The cool thing is that many sister churches do this very thing every Sunday. I'd love to learn from them about how they've been successful weaving children into Big Church!

[Henry Zonio]

I think this distracts from what the real issues surrounding faith and families really are. This goes beyond children sitting in "Big Church" and learning how they are supposed to act inside a church building. What they do in the church building is not "Church" or should it ever be. I think that is what my biggest issue with all the talk around family ministry is. We talk about the importance of families being able to take faith home and parents being the primary faith models, yet all we can talk about is what programs and what ways should we do our programs from inside the church building. It goes beyond whether kids are with the adults or not or whether you have a good curriculum or not or what is age appropriate. We have subconsciously bought into the false idea that "worshipping together" happens in a building where we have a service with singing, maybe some dramas, maybe snacks, maybe activities and crafts and a sermon. Faith needs to be lived out day in and day out. Worship needs to happen whether inside a building that has "church" written on it or in the car or in that place we live called home.

There are benefits to both approaches to "church services." But neither approach solves the issue of helping families to live faith and... "Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up."

What we need to do is a better job of helping parents (and everyone else for that matter) realize that this following Jesus thing... this worshiping thing... this thing we call the Christian walk exists 24/7. There are no places that are more sacred than others. If we are temples of the Holy Spirit, then we bring the sacred with us wherever we go. (OK, that needs to be fleshed out more and sounds new age-y but think about it!) We need to walk out our faith 24/7... we need to learn what it means to worship God with all that we do... we need to learn what it means to pray without ceasing... When we help parents do that, then their lives can't help but be a model for their children... no matter where they are.

Trying to figure out the best way to be inside a church building only serves to teach children and families how to be... inside a church building.

[Chris Yount Jones]

Thanks, Henry!
I am so programmatic and, you're right that it's more complex than that. I appreciate your passionate thoughts about this. The end goal is to help parents live out faith with their children. I agree.

For me, my frustration comes from those in the church who think they've landed on a 'new' concept--parents and children worshipping together. The truth is that it's been around for ages. We need to be willing to learn from one another.

But you're right, that just keeping kids in big church won't solve the real issue.

Thanks for your thoughts!

[Henry Zonio]

I share those frustrations... and more :) I think these kinds of questions and these kinds of discussions are what is needed to try and get beyond the idea that there is some "new" way of doing things that will solve this "new" problem of families living out faith with their children. This has been around since Adam and Eve! We need to continue to converse, learn from each other and realize that on this side of heaven family ministry will always be a struggle and we always need to be adapting and finding ways to equip and empower parents to live out faith with their children. Instead of finding this discouraging, though, I find it invigorating because it means that I get to be a part of what God is doing to continually thwart the Enemy.

[Lisa Burney]

I appreciate what Henry is saying. Our pastor talks often about living a life of worship. Our challenge is to break that down into concrete concepts and ideas that help parents discover life as worship through worship experiences outside the sanctuary. I doesn't have to be a program, but it CAN be.
I've discovered that everyone learns and understands more by doing then reflecting/debrief what they experienced, so we program accordingly. Teaching families to share their faith together and experience life as an act of worship is a complex challenge. However, I watched that learning curve flattens when a Dad got up in a post-outreach worship and sharing time and explained how he and his little son together introduced a child to God by playing a simple 20 questions kinda game... Who made your nose? response - "I don't know" answer shared "God made your nose, then the sky, the sun.." They followed with a simple telling of the gospel message using an "evangecube" and the little boy was so thrilled, he brought his sister over to hear the Good News too.
Now, that was learning by doing and what this father and son duo discovered was doable evangelism and in sharing that experience with us, he broke it down so we all left with a simple way to share our faith.
And all the church did was provide a program that gave families an opportunity to participate in a planned and guided outreach activities with brief training beforehand on sharing the gospel using simple tools like the "evangecube."

I find that programming isn't the problem, if you program effectively.

[Ray Jones]

Henry's comments about "we bring the sacred with us wherever we go" resonated greatly for me personally. I'm not actively in children's ministry, but work at The Children's Hospital in Denver in IT (and am Chris' husband). At a recent leader retreat, we discussed the need to create sacred spaces for families in order for them to more effectively cope with health traumas. Also, our old hospital was physically focused on care for the child only - yet a new hospital we just moved into last fall is totally focused on the family. Each patient room has an area where the family can sleep as desired with the child. There are 16 sleeping rooms in the hospital itself which families can reserve and sleep in so they are in the same building as their child. There also is a close by Ronald McDonald house where families can stay for extended care. Even in patient care, the key concept is to involve the family - learn from their knowledge of their child, and treat the child's illness in the context of a family system. So healthcare for children has moved from a patient only centric focus to a family centric focus. What implications, if any, does that have for Children's Ministry? I'd be very interested in thoughts from other on this. I personally also am gratified that as part of this new environment, the need to honor and support the family's faith is present. Our goal as a hospital is to be a healing place, and that only occurs with God and all members of the family involved.