Apples to Oranges?

Family ministry is a big topic of discussion around here these days--as I'm sure it is everywhere in children's ministry!

In one particular meeting, someone lamented "why can't our Christian parents be as motivated as soccer parents?" You know the line of thinking. And I've said the very same thing! But this time, it made me wonder--are we comparing apples to oranges? Are we really talking about the same set of parents?

I'm a soccer mom to one of my three children--because she's an amazing soccer goalie and is intrinsically motivated to play. She plays on a traveling team so our family gets her to and from practices and games. We pay the big money. And we even travel to overnight games sometimes. But is it fair to compare that with ALL the parents who  bring their kids to our churches? Not every parent does this with soccer. I'd say there are "elite" soccer, ballet, piano, karate parents, etc. And, in the same vein, aren't there "elite" church parents? You know the ones: They come to every program, volunteer willingly, get involved in the Christmas production, and more. Let's compare those "elite" church parents with the "elite" sports parents. Then we'll genuinely be comparing apples to apples.

And with the other parents--you know, the regular ones who don't do all that--maybe we can have a different, more gracious approach to what they're willing and able to do. And maybe we'll really understand what these parents need from us. What do you think?

Comments

[Glen Woods]

Awesome post, as always. From my perspective as someone who is not married and who does not have kids of my own, I am always amazed at the level of dedication I see in the lives of parents. I am really proud of the parents in my church. This is true whether they are highly involved in just about every church function, or if they are more selective. For me, the issue is not how involved they are in specific church activities. It is more an issue of how involved they are with their own kids. This places the burden on me and the rest of the church leadership to learn how we truly can support them, whether or not it takes place on campus or elsewhere.

[Lisa Burney]

A more gracious approach - I like that. Parents are bombarded with so many demands from teachers and coaches. Regular parents come to church looking for caring support and refuge from the outside pressures, not MORE demands. Inviting families to self -select meaningful "opportunities" for spiritual growth instead of demanding or guilting families into participation in every church program is a more gracious approach. Ensuring those opportunities are meaningful means being humble enough to put our current offerings under the microscope of evaluation and eliminate, revamp, streamline and retool to ensure that what we are offering is realistic, timely and supportive in equipping parents as spiritual leaders in their families.

[Chris Yount Jones]

Well-said, Glen!

[Henry Zonio]

I echo Glen's comments. I try to celebrate parents rather than wonder why they aren't more committed. In doing that, I've found that more parents are putting church at a higher priority because they are feeling encouraged when they come rather than condemned because they don't come more often. I'm very encouraged at your posts about family ministry and the conversations that are coming about at Group. It seems that family ministry has been highjacked by some very well-meaning people and turned into a brand. Family ministry needs to look different for different churches. Also, family ministry needs to be less of us telling parents what to do and more of resourcing them and encouraging them and empowering them. I still like what you said a few posts back about parents being the primary faith model. It has challenged me to change my vocabulary and further clarify that ambiguous role between parent and church. Keep it up!!

[Chris Yount Jones]

Lisa,
I'm curious about how you've done what you posted: "Ensuring those opportunities are meaningful means being humble enough to put our current offerings under the microscope of evaluation and eliminate, revamp, streamline and retool to ensure that what we are offering is realistic, timely and supportive in equipping parents as spiritual leaders in their families." Tell us more!

[Chris Yount Jones]

Henry,
It's interesting that you note that this is becoming a "brand." I think part of that is that people who are pioneers in this area long for "family ministry" to have a landing place--who's responsible? Because if no one is responsible in particular, it won't get done.

Also, how can we (Group in particular) as information-providers do a good job of communicating that there are multiple ways of doing it? Focusing on key principles instead of methodology?

I've been intrigued by the principles from The Youth and Family Institute (www.tyfi.org) that help guide their efforts at family ministry... They say, "The Youth & Family Institute believes the HOME is the primary place to form faith; therefore, we encourage partnership between HOME and CONGREGATION based on our 5-4-3 ministry model:
* 5 principles of what it means to be the church...
* 4 Keys for daily living
* 3 Qualities of a disciple.

It's the keys and the qualities that I like the most.
The 4 keys:
1. Caring Conversations (yes! simple, easy talking about faith issues!)
2. Devotions (not so sure we can get all families to do that)
3. Service (even doing chores is serving the family)
4. Rituals and Traditions (celebrating milestones with the church)

3 Qualities:
Authentic
Available
Affirming

I love that the 3 qualities are not "things to do" but rather "ways to be" for one another in the family.

Methods will differ but values/principles can transcend those methods.

[Lisa Burney]

Hi Chris - I am in my second year at my new church. The pastors are looking to me to lead our lay leadership to put what we do under the microscope and evaluate our programs top to bottom. I love my new church, so I'm not going to slash and burn :) but guide our lay leadership to prayerfully consider whether what's been done for years is; supporting and equipping parents as the spiritual leaders of the family, providing inclusive ministries that create guided spiritual family experiences that will foster faith discussion in the home, and scheduling programming that compliments, not confounds the family's already complicated schedules.
Already we have eliminated programs that duplicate others or over tax the family. For example, the church overscheduled April's calendar, so we eliminated an event, uninvited several teams to a training event we discovered would be a waste of their time and turned a missions day into a family friendly event by adding mission projects that families could do together. I sometimes feel like the wet blanket but well-meaning ministry leaders who get tunnel vision when they calendar are beginning to see that when they use our microscope, they benefit. Last Sunday, over 150 people signed up at the launch for the daylong mission event because of the family friendly modifications. We are in the process of streamlining our weekly offerings so we are asking family members to be at church no more than 3 times per week. (Worship, Small group study & Mission/Ministry) It's a tall order, but we're encouraging committees to meet less and DO more to encourage family time. We offered a 5 week all ages Holyland experience for 5 Wednesdays to show the church that families CAN grow in faith without dividing the family into graded activities. We retooled VBS totally. We made sure there was a place for everyone in the family to participate or serve & used multi-age groupings that encourages family.
AND I really appreciate the info on the Youth and Family Institute. Helps me improve my focus!

[Chris Yount Jones]

Wow, Lisa! Thank you for sharing all those details! I love how practical, rather than theoretical, you and your church are being. Way to go!