How Annoying Are Parents--Anyway?

I'm a parent. And I take seriously my role as my children's primary faith model. We talk about faith issues at different times--in the car, before bed, at dinner, while watching a TV show, after school--but not every day. More so when the need arises. I don't make my 12- and 14-year-old go to every church program every time the doors are open. I don't make them attend Sunday school--they go to "big" church with us unless they want to go to their class. With my 19-year-old, I don't make him go to church at all...he goes when he chooses. I don't make them serve...although they do serve in different ways--preteen week of hope, toddler room teacher, Belize mission trip, etc. I don't lead them in weekly family devotions--although we used to try that. I don't pray with them regularly enough. I don't get them in the Word enough--although they're all going to Christian school now and learning tons about God's Word!

Am I the kind of parent who would annoy most children's ministers--because "I don't care enough"?

I have to tell you something I experienced at the conference that saddened and scared me. In one of the large sessions, a speaker made a disparaging remark about parents (trying to be funny, I'm sure) and over half the crowd cheered. Cheered, I tell you!! Are we really that annoying because we don't fit the mold of what some children's ministers think we should be?

I hear a lot of talk (and I understand that it comes from a good place) about we need to help parents be the primary Christian educators in their children's lives. So we give them educational tools to use at home and when they don't use them, we say they don't care. Perhaps we need to forget the "educational" model at home...and stop and instead say to parents "You are the primary faith model in your child's life--at all times! And we're the primary Christian educators--as you allow us to be!"

How can we help parents in the everydayness of doing life with their children to model faith in a loving God, to create homes that are workshops for grace, to grapple together with who God is and what it means to follow hard after him--not in a programmed way, but in a natural way? Maybe it's as simple as great discussion-starters that get parents and children talking about faith. Or using a strategic curriculum like FaithWeaver so every single person in the entire family studies the same passage (and the pastor preaches on it, too!)--and therefore they've got something to talk about at home throughout the week.

We parents know how you feel about us, by the way. We pick up on the nuances. Rather than being annoyed by us, please advocate for us! Be our biggest fans! Welcome our children--and us--with grace, a hug, and a big smile--after we've made the effort to bundle them up, pack their bags, load the car, get them into the building, and try to be on time to big church.

Thank you for partnering with us--so that you're the primary Christian educator in our children's lives. We need your partnership since we're the primary faith models. That's why we bring our kids to church--because we care so much (not because we're delegating all of it to you). 

Comments

[Henry]

Christine I can't agree with you more! I am a CP and would have been cringing with you. Us CPs do a good talk about partnership with parents and wanting parents to be the primary spiritual leaders in their children's lives yet we demean and put down parents and get annoyed by them when they don't do what we want them to. I like your statement of being a "faith model." I'm going to have to use that one. I loved reading your take. I applaud you as a parent. I hope many CPs read this and take what you said to heart.

[Chris]

Thank you, Henry! I think we as parents often feel like we're not doing things right. We need people like you--whom we admire and look to for help--to bless us in our efforts.

[Andrew]

If parents wanted their church or CP to be the 'primary Christian educator' of their child then the roles of Sunday School would be overflowing. Parent's don't demand 'education' for their children they demand that they be happy with their church experience.

I think what most CP's react to is the thought that the CP is the 'expert' and 'why should I do anything at home with faith? I take them to an expert every week!'

[Chris]

Andrew,
Good point. It's so tough when we talk about any group of people and generalize that they're all one thing. The truth is that parents are all different. But I have a theory that tries to somewhat put them in categories. I call it the 20-60-20 theory. I'd love to know what others think of this, by the way.

So...the top 20 percent of parents are the highly motivated parents who come to our parenting classes and our programs. They seek out resources to help them be not only the primary faith model, but also the primary Christian educator in their children's lives. (And, further, I think it's these parents that we most know how to equip.)

The bottom 20 percent of parents are those parents who for whatever reasons are in crisis. They need loving guidance, shepherding, care, counseling, intervention. And, in all honesty, they're often just trying to make it through one more day.

And then there's the middle 60 percent. I'd say that these are the parents who bring their kids to our programs, but that's as far as they know to go. They love their kids and they love God--but they're not highly motivated to attend parenting seminars or read books. I think they realize that they need to do more with their kids spiritually--they're just not sure what to do.

It's the middle 60 percent of parents that is on my heart. I believe most resource providers will take care of the top 20 percent. But who's making the spiritual nurture of children more natural and intuitive (rather than programmed) for the middle parents? That's what I've been spending a lot of time with our staff grappling with.

So, do I not care about the outer edges of parents? I don't mean to imply that. Families in crisis need our help and love. And the goal is to move more families into the top 20 percent.

I'm just saying, for now, I want to be an advocate--or champion--for the everyday Christian parent who needs to make just a 1-degree turn (if nothing else) to see spiritual transformation in their family.

Am I crazy? Ok...don't answer that, but do let me know what you think of my theory!

[Larry Shallenberger]

Thanks for saying this, Chris. We CP's have become so program-centric that we evaluate parents and children's value against whether they "comply" with out offerings. What if our programs aren't "ergonomic."

There's an ancient myth about a king Procrustes. He was famous for his hospitality-- but no one wanted to visit. When a traveler would for respite, he would force them to lay down on his bed. If the guest was too long he sawed off the protruding limb. If the guest was too short he stretched them out on a rack.

The Greek's gave us this myth to remind us that programs and technology are designed to serve people and not vica versa.

Too many of us share Procrute's insanity.

Best! And see you at Willowcreek's Conspire Conference!

Larry

[Gary Lindsay]

Okay, that's the best thing I' think I've heard this year. Thanks for saying it.
Gary

[Henry Zonio]

Chris,

I think you've got something with the 20-60-20. I don't know if the percentages are exactly there, but I do agree that there is a large middle area of parents who need our attention. I am trying to make things simple and bite-sized for parents and applauding them when they share their stories. I do keep offering those parenting seminars, but I find my best empowering comes with those 5 minute conversations where I listen and encourage parents. I also find that sound-bites work well in newsletters, letters home, emails, and web articles. Keep wrestling, Chris, and keep us CPs in the loop!

[Lisa Burney]

Thanks for campaigning for the middle 60%. They rarely hear from us, personally. They are too busy to attend our classes or seek us out to make an appointment or fill out those endless surveys.
Some realize we are there to help, but "don't want to impose on our busy schedules" so we must make the first move. They are the parents that we need to connect with in the hallways before and after programming & on the run. Some would so appreciate an encouraging word that they were able to get everyone out the door and to church.
Others would appreciate church programming that honors the family instead of confounds them. Many parents spend hours shuttling their kids to overlapping activities & would appreciate someone at church giving oversight to ensure that our activites coordinate with other church & major community activities to minimize overlapping or conflicting schedules. If we don't approach the middle 60%, we will never understand their perspective.

[Debby Albrecht]

Chris,
I loved this post...you have named that attitude that we need to culture in our ministries. I have given a copy to every member of our staff team and over the next several weeks (months or years) we will be wrestling with how we change that perception of parents and equip the 60% in the middle.

thanks!
debby

[Chris]

This is such great dialogue! So many great ideas!

And, I hope that while I'm asking for CPs to be the biggest fans of parents, that I'm clear that I'm CPs' biggest fan! You guys rock! And we need you more than ever today!

[Sara]

I appreciate your grace. When my children were little and I struggled with issues of guilt in terms of being a working mother, I prayed for those that nurtured my children in my absence during the work week and taught them Sunday school. I asked God to bless those that reached out and tended to my children when I could not be there, when I desperately wanted to be. I admire all of you who gladly and willingly step in to help us raise Godly and loving children.

[Chris Clinchard]

YES! These are great comments--Especially regarding how "programming" doesn't work in the context of home. Deuteronomy says we're to teach our kids as we walk along the road, etc.--In other words, as life happens, we are there to guide. I am both a Children's Pastor and a Dad, and I know from experience that each of these "teaching" settings needs different methods..and that just because it's not being done the same way in both places, doesn't mean I don't care, or that it's not "being done." Good stuff!

[Chris Yount Jones]

Chris,
This is great! Help us understand how the two differ--how can we equip parents in ways that'll really work?
Chris